Back in 1981, releasing a slasher film in 3-D would have been revolutionary; it would have scared the pants off teens and young adults alike (just look at how badly Epcot Center’s Captain EO scarred some kids!). Back in 1981, releasing My Bloody Valentine, a slasher flick about a coal miner turned pickaxe murderer, in 3-D might have had the ability to actually cause audience members to jump out of their seats, send the popcorn flying and cause mild panic attacks. After all, the image of blood droplets raining out of the screen is enough to make even the biggest man squirm in his seat.

One would think, then, that in the nearly three decades since the original film was released, technology would have come so far that a whole new genre could be born…but instead, the 2009 remake of My Bloody Valentine is full of more laughs (some intentional, some not) than thrills, especially when viewed in three-dimensions--and that’s not even taking into consideration how silly your date will look in those special glasses.

The majority of Lionsgate’s marketing of My Bloody Valentine 3-D has centered on the use of this “cool” and “cutting edge” 3-D technology, boasting that the audience will feel like they are in the movie right alongside stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King and Kerr Smith. And though they are not lying about that (the use of angular special depth is impressive, and when the killer shines his flashlight directly across the audience, it almost blinds you for a second), more often than not the specially selected insert shots (a guy punching a glass mirror just so the shards can shatter out at the audience; the killer constantly pointing his axe straight at the camera so it will appear the tip is trying to pierce the viewer’s nose) added into the film simply to make use of the technology are not only superfluous but also slightly distracting. Just because the 3-D looks better now than the old red-and-blue-glasses way of the past does not mean it automatically enhances a story.

Now, I really wanted to like My Bloody Valentine 3-D; I really wanted it to be witty and surprising and different and prove all of my suspicions wrong. Mostly I just wanted to see Ackles (“Supernatural,“ “Smallville”) succeed in a lead role in a film that was actually getting a wide release in theaters for a change. However, instead of creating a unique story or focusing on the immense talent of those in front of the camera, My Bloody Valentine 3-D relies on a gimmick to try to get butts into theater seats.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D follows a small town of coal miners 10 years after a horrible accident-turned-massacre. Tom (Ackles) is the son of the owner of the mine, who didn’t bleed the lines correctly, causing a group of workers to get trapped. Only one man managed to get out alive--and only later did it come out that he had single-handedly picked off all of the others in order to conserve his own air supply. Finding his way back to the mine, he went on another rampage, this time turning his axe on an innocent teenage party, of which Tom was a part. Flash-forward to present day when Tom returns for the first time in the decade to settle some old business with the mine, only to find that the ghost of the killer seems to have followed him back as well.

Through the slashings and the gore--and the expositional dialogue that has just come to be expected in this genre--though, is a story about devotion and loyalty between a close group of friends. Tom’s return is bittersweet for his best friend and town sheriff Axel (Smith) and ex-girlfriend-who-is-now-married-to-his-best-friend (King), and that love triangle gives the characters an extra layer (no pun intended) that makes it worth taking the journey with them. As if things aren’t complicated enough, though, soon it becomes painfully clear that it is no ghost with a grudge who is tormenting the town once again but someone from their past who is very much alive and coming after all three of them. Needless to say, director Patrick Lussier had his hands full with a big script, big names and even bigger FX, and though each actor tried his or her best to bring something meatier to their characters, it really doesn’t matter who’s in the roles, as their efforts get buried under the exaggerated use of technology much the same way the supposed killer was buried underneath the rubble of the coal mine collapse.

Though some of the most fun in slasher films comes from the squeals of disgust at seeing the gore and dismemberment (of which runs rampant in My Bloody Valentine 3-D), as well as trying to guess who will die next and whose face will ultimately be under the mask once it is ripped off of the killer, there were none of those surprises this time around. Perhaps if Lussier’s choices had been a bit more subtle, there would have been some room to guess and wonder and be scared of the unknown, but instead the audience always knows exactly what’s coming next and has to rely only on the shock value of watching an axe spear a victim in the eye or jaw or heart for a thrill. In fact, the only real surprise in this movie was seeing Selene Luna (best-known as Margaret Cho’s assistant in her VH1 reality show, “The Cho Show”) as a quirky motel owner.

In today’s economy, My Bloody Valentine 3-D is the kind of movie one advises their friends to wait for the DVD--not only so they can save money, but also so they can hide the fact that they’re watching it by being in the comfort (and non-judgment) of their own homes.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D is now playing in theaters.

For more information, visit mybloodyvalentinein3d.com.