This Hottie is Truly a Nottie Greg Kaczynski

Going to see The Hottie & the Nottie is kind of like going to the dentist: you know it’s going to be uncomfortable and painful, yet you believe that maybe, just maybe you’re wrong and it won’t be that bad of an experience. However, it turns out being worse than you expected and you walk out somehow feeling numb and sore at the same time. Granted Hottie is only kind of like going to the dentist in that when you leave this film, you are none the better for all the pain you’ve gone through.

The Hottie & the Nottie is about Nate Cooper (Joel David Moore), an “everyday man” who fell in love with his six-year-old classmate, Cristabel Abbott (Paris Hilton), 20 years ago and has somehow still not gotten over her angelic smile. After yet another failed relationship in Maine, he tracks her down to Los Angeles. In L.A., he looks up his best friend from first grade, Arno Blount (played by “The” Greg Wilson), quite possibly the most obnoxious and annoying sidekick character in recent memory, who happens to have an entire box of info on Cristabel, the “hottest girl in all of L.A.”

Never mind the inherent creepiness of keeping a file on Cristabel or knowing her daily schedule to the minute, it’s hilarious! The following morning, Nate sits at a bench along the beach waiting for her to jog by; he is accompanied by five other creepy guys including an Asian businessman (ha ha!) and a weird bleach-blond autistic named Randy (wacky!). As she trots by (in an unintentionally funny slow-mo jogging shot of the athletically inept Hilton), he chases after her and they’re reintroduced after all these years.

Enter the titular Nottie, June Phigg (Christine Lakin). June has been Cristabel’s best friend since first grade and she’s a hideous beast replete with a mole, varicose veins, scabs and a runny nose. However, since June has never had a boyfriend, let alone gotten laid, Cristabel refuses to date again until June gets some action. Now the zany plot really begins, as Nate has to find a partner willing to take on the Nottie--but she’s revolting!

Nate somehow finds a guy (Adam Kulbersh) willing to partake in the Nottie experiment who is given the boffo alias “Cole Slawsen,” and thus begins the predictable barrage of the Nottie-on-a-date jokes.

After the plan to hook June up with Mr. Slawsen fails, Johann (Johann Urb) is introduced. Johann is muscular, hot, big of heart, generous, can do anything…and Nate is worried he’s out to score with Cristabel even though he’s playing up to June.

The rest of the film is a smattering of stock gross-out gags and poorly written jokes; punch lines range from “Is that my wiener hitting your schnitzel?” to “My dinkus will fall off.” The soundtrack plays like rejected samples from the long-dead dating show “Blind Date:” a cacophony of electronic drums, horse sounds, dog howls, generic record scratches and funky bass lines. It’s a movie written by frat boys and then tooled by executives to give it “heart” at the end. Ultimately, it’s strikingly unfunny.

The acting overall isn’t terrible. Joel David Moore does his now trademark stunned shock at his awful life; Johann, a hunky Swedish actor, is believable as Johann, a Swedish hunk; and Christine Lakin, the best on display here, is actually enjoyable to watch.

Paris Hilton, however, is a major dark spot. She may work as a novel cameo in certain films (and even then, probably not), but to have her as one of the main characters of a feature film is gut-wrenching. To watch her square-headed stoned smirk under bored bedroom eyes and hear her recite such deep philosophies as “Our bodies are just like Earth suits, trapping our souls” for an hour and a half is exhausting. She does disappear for a short while at the beginning of the third act, which is refreshing, but inevitably returns. Although, watching her for so long, it becomes clear that if she tried, she could probably do a mean Pee-Wee Herman impersonation.

The other acting thorn in the side of this horrendous film is “The” Greg Wilson. Yes, he’s fat, he’s obnoxious, he’s loud and food flies out of his mouth when he talks, but he’s not funny--he’s just annoying. He does not carry the John Belushi legacy (as some have said). In The Hottie & the Nottie, he’s like your 13-year-old brother’s dirty friend who comes over, makes a mess of the kitchen, turns on all the TVs in the house, kicks the cat and then leaves, laughing like a maniac.

Come to think of it, this film is probably perfect for 13-year-old males. So if you’re 13 and want to see a really awesome movie, The Hottie & the Nottie may be what you’re looking for. For the rest of us, however, steer way clear of this stinker. This film is by no means anything like the heritage it’s trying to be a part of. Hottie is no American Pie or Superbad: it lacks the charm, the genuine heart and the cleverness of those films. This movie is just sad. It is 93 minutes of sheer torture leading to a predictable ending.

The Hottie & the Nottie is now playing in select theaters.

For more information, visit thehottieandthenottie.com.